lowfatbrains › kills 99.9% of dumb bacteria

Television is fast falling into obscurity thanks to the Internet, but it seems that television executives have decided to help aid their demise by constantly publishing trashy shows about inane celebrities that are, frankly, only celebrities because the media keep publishing trash about them.

In my darkest heart, I suspect it’s because there are hordes of alcohol-fuelled crazies out there munching on some half-cooked ready meal laced with salmonella in front of their television who actually care.

But, I shut my eyes and prefer to imagine that those rumours of drugged-up television executives are true, and in a fit of white-powdered madness they felt that we hadn’t seen enough about Amy Winehouse’s self destruction. They just know that there is someone, somewhere, who hasn’t seen the pasty Pete “This would be my brain on drugs if I hadn’t smoked it” Doherty, and that someone will actually care enough to watch. That, at least, would make sense. The alternatives are too horrifying to contemplate.

A week doesn’t seem to go by without another one of these shows spawning like some sort of ear bacteria that won’t go away, no matter what you pour in there: Top 100 Worst Celebrities, Top 100 Celebrity Television Moments, and the same evening that I’m writing this, Top 100 Worst Celebrity Couples. Some are, admittedly, mildly amusing. The incredulous look on Tom Cruise’s face as he’s squirted with water, for example, is forever watchable. Him jumping on the couch? Not so much fun the hundredth time. But in all seriousness, just how many fucking times do you have to watch Michael Jackson wave his kid off a balcony before you say, “Hey, shit. You know, I just didn’t get it before, but after watching this clip three hundred and seventy six times I finally understand … that guy is just a loon!”

It’s not just the shows that are really mind-numbingly annoying, but the people that give their lofty opinions on why Mr. and Mrs. So-And-So make you want to scratch your eyes out. Who the hell are these people? Don’t they have real jobs? Or were they drugged and dragged in off the street in some sort of weird sadomasochist Celebrity TV cult? That would at least be remotely respectable, because nothing says parasite more than someone who would be broke and homeless if it weren’t for the very celebrity they’re busy telling the world is such a tosser. I’m sorry, but some freak with his hair stuck up into two red devil’s horns on either side of a face that looks like a cross between Jabba The Hut and David Bowie on a bad hair day has no right in commenting on anything, except perhaps his pressing need to find his hairdresser to get his money back, or to shoot him.

They should publish a show about the Top 100 Twats Commenting in Celebrity Top 100 Shows, but I probably couldn’t be arsed to watch that, either.